Improve your Attitude
Action Item 1: Stop the self-criticism.
Being your own worst critic is one of the largest obstacles to growth. There's plenty of stuff out there to bring you down and, believe us, you don't have to help the process. Many people have endured put-downs and criticisms both inside and outside of their heads throughout their lifetimes. This takes considerable effort to undo.
Also, if you are depressed or anxious this can impact how you evaluate yourself, even if normally you have a healthy dose of self-esteem. Sandra Anne Taylor, in Secrets of Attraction (2001) provides many helpful suggestions for how to break out of a cycle of self-criticism.
"The pattern of responding negatively — even when you don't want to — has been called neural hijacking," she says. "This is the kind of uncontrollable and immediate power the brain has in predetermining your responses. If you don't want to be 'hijacked' into negativity anymore, you have no choice but to decide consciously that you'll only allow nurturing and optimistic responses to dominate your brain's activities." There really is tremendous value in positive thinking, and our next action items offer some advice for shifting your outlook.
Action Item 2: Take Responsibility for Yourself.
It's your life, and feeling victimized only takes power away from you. Behaving in a way that devalues your own power is going to have negative effects on what people think about you and whether they think you are attractive.
What you do want to project is the notion that you are in charge of your destiny and can direct your life with aplomb. You want to prove that you have control over your own future and your life and that you can make things happen for yourself. You are not at the mercy of others. It's hard to feel really attracted to someone who feels victimized, and it sets things up for bad cycles in the future.
If you've been victimized in the past, you may have extra hurdles to overcome. As such, it's vital that you protect your feelings in a relationship. But this goes hand in hand with projecting a strong, reliant persona that cannot, and will not, be treated unkindly.
If your feelings of being victimized are persistent and daunting, you might do well to read books on how to overcome abuse, or to talk to a therapist or a support group about your specific situation. Feeling like a victim is not your fault and it is not wrong, if indeed that is how you feel. But acting empowered from here on out is something you can control. Regardless of how you've been treated in the past, the future is yours - put yourself in control of it. Not only will that help you make smart choices, but it will make you more attractive to others as well.
Here are examples of self-honoring choices (Taylor, 2001):
1. Be honest with yourself and others
2. Express your emotions appropriately
3. Be true to your values
4. Have healthy respect for your time and energy
5. Learn to be flexible and comfortable with change
Action Item 3: Realize Your Own Value.
You know, of course, that no one is better than anyone else. So logic would follow that you are not better than anyone you date. Nor is anyone you date better than you. Pretty elementary, right? Well, we've all behaved in a manner contrary to this basic premise. We've all gone running back to someone who repeatedly blew us off and we've all blown people off who insisted on running back to us.
When our feelings for someone are not reciprocated, our best bet is to back out of the relationship, or at least to learn how to bring it to a lower level, where feelings are indeed on a even plane. Failing to do this not only leads to frustration and a damaged ego, it can project an unflattering image of ourselves to other people.
The bottom line is that if you don't respect yourself or if you don't feel worthy, you're not going to attract healthy potential relationships or sexual partners. In other words, you won't be attracting the kind of person you'd even want to be with. Even if you're not looking to meet someone, this behavior still affects you, because the value you attribute to yourself affects how all people treat you, not just romantic prospects.
Like anything else, you cannot just realize this and suddenly change your self-destructive ways. While sometimes paying intense attention to this issue is necessary, via help from professionals, there are other ways to do it as well. Affirmations are things that you say to yourself that you wish you already believed. Saying them can actually help you identify how you want to feel and you can use them to your advantage. Affirmations about realizing your own value include (from Taylor, 2001):
1. I deserve love and respect.
2. I am a worthy and valuable person.
3. I'm learning to intervene when I start to criticize myself.
4. I'm strong and determined.
5. I can create my own destiny.
6. The quality of my life is up to me.
7. I'm learning to accept everything about myself.
8. I choose to believe the best about myself.
9. I choose and deserve to be happy.
10. Self-criticism is an old habit I'm letting go of.
11. I believe in myself.
12. The quality of my relationships is up to me.(from Taylor, 2001)
Being your own worst critic is one of the largest obstacles to growth. There's plenty of stuff out there to bring you down and, believe us, you don't have to help the process. Many people have endured put-downs and criticisms both inside and outside of their heads throughout their lifetimes. This takes considerable effort to undo.
Also, if you are depressed or anxious this can impact how you evaluate yourself, even if normally you have a healthy dose of self-esteem. Sandra Anne Taylor, in Secrets of Attraction (2001) provides many helpful suggestions for how to break out of a cycle of self-criticism.
"The pattern of responding negatively — even when you don't want to — has been called neural hijacking," she says. "This is the kind of uncontrollable and immediate power the brain has in predetermining your responses. If you don't want to be 'hijacked' into negativity anymore, you have no choice but to decide consciously that you'll only allow nurturing and optimistic responses to dominate your brain's activities." There really is tremendous value in positive thinking, and our next action items offer some advice for shifting your outlook.
Action Item 2: Take Responsibility for Yourself.
It's your life, and feeling victimized only takes power away from you. Behaving in a way that devalues your own power is going to have negative effects on what people think about you and whether they think you are attractive.
What you do want to project is the notion that you are in charge of your destiny and can direct your life with aplomb. You want to prove that you have control over your own future and your life and that you can make things happen for yourself. You are not at the mercy of others. It's hard to feel really attracted to someone who feels victimized, and it sets things up for bad cycles in the future.
If you've been victimized in the past, you may have extra hurdles to overcome. As such, it's vital that you protect your feelings in a relationship. But this goes hand in hand with projecting a strong, reliant persona that cannot, and will not, be treated unkindly.
If your feelings of being victimized are persistent and daunting, you might do well to read books on how to overcome abuse, or to talk to a therapist or a support group about your specific situation. Feeling like a victim is not your fault and it is not wrong, if indeed that is how you feel. But acting empowered from here on out is something you can control. Regardless of how you've been treated in the past, the future is yours - put yourself in control of it. Not only will that help you make smart choices, but it will make you more attractive to others as well.
Here are examples of self-honoring choices (Taylor, 2001):
1. Be honest with yourself and others
2. Express your emotions appropriately
3. Be true to your values
4. Have healthy respect for your time and energy
5. Learn to be flexible and comfortable with change
Action Item 3: Realize Your Own Value.
You know, of course, that no one is better than anyone else. So logic would follow that you are not better than anyone you date. Nor is anyone you date better than you. Pretty elementary, right? Well, we've all behaved in a manner contrary to this basic premise. We've all gone running back to someone who repeatedly blew us off and we've all blown people off who insisted on running back to us.
When our feelings for someone are not reciprocated, our best bet is to back out of the relationship, or at least to learn how to bring it to a lower level, where feelings are indeed on a even plane. Failing to do this not only leads to frustration and a damaged ego, it can project an unflattering image of ourselves to other people.
The bottom line is that if you don't respect yourself or if you don't feel worthy, you're not going to attract healthy potential relationships or sexual partners. In other words, you won't be attracting the kind of person you'd even want to be with. Even if you're not looking to meet someone, this behavior still affects you, because the value you attribute to yourself affects how all people treat you, not just romantic prospects.
Like anything else, you cannot just realize this and suddenly change your self-destructive ways. While sometimes paying intense attention to this issue is necessary, via help from professionals, there are other ways to do it as well. Affirmations are things that you say to yourself that you wish you already believed. Saying them can actually help you identify how you want to feel and you can use them to your advantage. Affirmations about realizing your own value include (from Taylor, 2001):
1. I deserve love and respect.
2. I am a worthy and valuable person.
3. I'm learning to intervene when I start to criticize myself.
4. I'm strong and determined.
5. I can create my own destiny.
6. The quality of my life is up to me.
7. I'm learning to accept everything about myself.
8. I choose to believe the best about myself.
9. I choose and deserve to be happy.
10. Self-criticism is an old habit I'm letting go of.
11. I believe in myself.
12. The quality of my relationships is up to me.(from Taylor, 2001)
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