Resentment
HOW often have you turned your back on your partner and sulked in a corner, with a feeling of deep and bitter anger simmering in your heart? If you are an average adult, perhaps very often. This feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will is called resentment, and this R word is wrecking many relationships in practically no time at all. As Delhi-based consulting
psychiatrist Dr Avdesh Sharma points out, resentments can actually bring an end to happy relationships. You could be resentful of your partner for a number of reasons - break of trust, his or her spending less time with you and more with others, not giving enough emotional support... If you feel let down, it'll make you bitter. Resentment is suppressed anger, which you don't want to talk about."
And therein lies the rub. By not vocalising our resentment, most of us get submerged in a quagmire of ill feelings and grudges,which is detrimental for our relationships. Unspoken malice is the key to a break-up. According to experts, feelings of resentment are triggered early in a relationship; while most married couples feel that daily arguments make them resentful about their partners.
Especially, when your partner fails to meet your expectations, you'll feel a surge of resentment. The years of home building and career-juggling can be chronically tiring, especially if your partner never tunes in to your talk. Take Delhi-based Rubina Gupta, 39. married to Sibal for almost 15 years. She nurses a subtle resentment over every thing he does. "He's very stubborn and always wants me to do things his way. If I don't comply, he's grumpy. I really resent this attitude. And he's always busy working,never paying any attention to the household or me. These small things have been build ing up for years. As a result, I have a list of what I feel let down about. I had so many expectations from him and this marriage. I don't give my 100 per
cent to this relation ship now. Though I never talk to him, I just suppress my anger to save this relation ship," says Rubina. In her book, The Poison of Resentment, based on research on resentment, Dr Margaret Paul writes, "Resentment and blame are poisons to the soul.They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. But what resentment really does is pull us into the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim. These feelings do not come out of nowhere. They are the result of your thoughts and beliefs."
Career and finances are one area in relationships in which feelings of resentment arise. The breadwinner feels that he or she is carrying too much of the financial burden; while the partner who stays home with the children may come to feel overworked and underpaid. What makesresentment lethal is that couples dont talk about them.Latest studies show how resentment can have an adverse effect on one's health.When we get angry, our bodies automaticaily go into fight mode. At this point, chemicals that put us high alert course through our body. The heart rate and thing quickens, muscles bocome tense and senses being heightened. This state tigh alert is perfectly natural but only for short period.Living with a permanent of anger means the body is forced to stay in this state, which in time can lead to to high blood pressure,aches, stomach problem and a weak immune system.
Tips to Resolve your resentment
psychiatrist Dr Avdesh Sharma points out, resentments can actually bring an end to happy relationships. You could be resentful of your partner for a number of reasons - break of trust, his or her spending less time with you and more with others, not giving enough emotional support... If you feel let down, it'll make you bitter. Resentment is suppressed anger, which you don't want to talk about."
And therein lies the rub. By not vocalising our resentment, most of us get submerged in a quagmire of ill feelings and grudges,which is detrimental for our relationships. Unspoken malice is the key to a break-up. According to experts, feelings of resentment are triggered early in a relationship; while most married couples feel that daily arguments make them resentful about their partners.
Especially, when your partner fails to meet your expectations, you'll feel a surge of resentment. The years of home building and career-juggling can be chronically tiring, especially if your partner never tunes in to your talk. Take Delhi-based Rubina Gupta, 39. married to Sibal for almost 15 years. She nurses a subtle resentment over every thing he does. "He's very stubborn and always wants me to do things his way. If I don't comply, he's grumpy. I really resent this attitude. And he's always busy working,never paying any attention to the household or me. These small things have been build ing up for years. As a result, I have a list of what I feel let down about. I had so many expectations from him and this marriage. I don't give my 100 per
cent to this relation ship now. Though I never talk to him, I just suppress my anger to save this relation ship," says Rubina. In her book, The Poison of Resentment, based on research on resentment, Dr Margaret Paul writes, "Resentment and blame are poisons to the soul.They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. But what resentment really does is pull us into the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim. These feelings do not come out of nowhere. They are the result of your thoughts and beliefs."
Career and finances are one area in relationships in which feelings of resentment arise. The breadwinner feels that he or she is carrying too much of the financial burden; while the partner who stays home with the children may come to feel overworked and underpaid. What makesresentment lethal is that couples dont talk about them.Latest studies show how resentment can have an adverse effect on one's health.When we get angry, our bodies automaticaily go into fight mode. At this point, chemicals that put us high alert course through our body. The heart rate and thing quickens, muscles bocome tense and senses being heightened. This state tigh alert is perfectly natural but only for short period.Living with a permanent of anger means the body is forced to stay in this state, which in time can lead to to high blood pressure,aches, stomach problem and a weak immune system.
Tips to Resolve your resentment
- Express what is or has been bothering you and discuss how both of you can improve the situation.
- If you have difficulty verbalising it, write it as a note or reply.
- Think about the costs of holding on to your resentment. Remember, it is unlealthy to be so consumed by your resentment that you are unable to deal with the situation rationally.
- Try to see the situation in your partner's angle.
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